EXT. REVIVAL STADIUM - DAY
CHERRY BIMS, 30, a pretty but overly-expressive reporter, reports in front of the Bryant Denny Stadium.
CHERRY
He’s the de-facto leader of the Evangelical movement in modern America...
Images of REVEREND HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE, 62, like John Madden with charisma and bling, appear as a graphic next to Cherry. He wears a crucifix necklace, but with himself on the cross instead of Jesus (the Huckle-Cross).
IMAGES: Hucklebee, in a white shirt and black pants, shakes hands with poor children; Hucklebee in an elaborate robe, preaches from a pulpit; Hucklebee stands in the sun roof of a limousine, wearing designer sun glasses and gold chains.
CHERRY
...with an ever-increasing influence in business, entertainment and politics. Tonight, he’s hosting what’s predicted to be the biggest revival in history! Still, not everyone is an admirer.
INT. ALABAMA UNIVERSITY - CLASSROOM - DAY
GEORGE ZALLYNACK, 40, white hair, thin, an arrogant intellectual, is interviewed.
CHERRY (O.S.)
George Zallynack, famed Author, scientist, and currently teaching theological studies at Alabama University, is a vocal detractor.
ZALLYNACK
Hollis Hucklebee is a fraud! He baits the weak willed and weak minded in our country with a pomposity that hasn’t been seen since the Third Reich! If the average American needs some magical fantasy to get them through the day, they’d be better off ingesting LSD or going to Disney World.
INT. STAN LUTHER’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Stan puts out snacks and poker chips while watching the news.
STAN
Or ingesting LSD while at Disney World. That was the best Easter ever.
FOCUS ON: THE TELEVISION
The screen cuts to OMBER GRAYSON, 36, brown hair, large eyes, and a frothy mustache, being interviewed.
CHERRY (O.S.)
We are now with Omber Grayson, Hucklebee’s personal assistant, for his response.
OMBER
We are all fully aware of Mr. Zallynack’s slight words, but the great Reverend has more pressing issues to worry about.
(directly to camera)
You see, Mr. Zallynack, the Reverend has an important meeting at the White House today, with the President. You might have heard of him. I think someone’s jealous that a man who is a “fraud” has a bit more sway than he does.
Omber smiles arrogantly and exits the interview.
INT. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE - DAY
PRESIDENT DINKE, 53, short but distinguished, sits behind his desk talking to reporters.
PRESIDENT DINKE
It’s true that our views often clash, but I agreed to meet with Huckleberry to find common ground on bigger issues that affect our country. Whether they are followers of Hucklebee or another belief, we can all agree on working together to end poverty, clean the environment, and spread a message of peace to the world.
(checking watch)
That’s all the time I have.
Dinke smiles as the reporters are shuffled out by the secret service. Once they are gone, Dinke falls into an armchair, exhausted. MAHOUD JEHARDI, 32, the strong and astute first Muslim Secret Service agent (and Dinke’s unofficial advisor), pats him on the back.
PRESIDENT DINKE
Ugh, Mahoud, do I really have to meet with this blow-hard?
MAHOUD
Depends on if you want the Huckle-being vote, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT DINKE
How many claim to be part of this evangelical cult?
MAHOUD
Getting on 1.5 million in the US.
Dinke rubs his forehead and moans. The rest of the Oval Office: Aids are hustling and bustling. An aid comes up to the President with a glass of lemonade.
PRESIDENTIAL AID
Your lemonade, sir.
Dinke grabs onto the Aid’s wrist.
PRESIDENT DINKE
Get me my...relaxation medication, please.
(letting go of the Aid)
Will someone tell me where--
Hollis Hucklebee ENTERS. The finest white suit with gold embroidery, a large cigar, and an entourage that outnumbers the President’s. Omber is at Hollis’ side.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Hey hey, Dinkey!
The President’s Aid sweeps around Dinke and subtly drops two pills into the lemonade. The President nods and drinks. Hollis waddles over to Dinke, shaking his hand while studying the office. Omber cleans off Hollis’ seat.
PRESIDENT DINKE
Hollis! Welcome back to my office.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Heh heh, yeah, I could figure out some nice things to do with it.
Both men turn towards a PHOTOGRAPHER with jubilant smiles as a photo is taken. They take seats across from each other as the room is cleared. Mahoud, one S.S. Agent, and Omber remain. Dinke drinks more lemonade, holding back a smile.
PRESIDENT DINKE
So Hollis...
(Chuckling like a drunk)
...What can I do for you?
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Well Dinkey, you never gave me a response on my bill proposal.
PRESIDENT DINKE
Ah, yes, well Hollis you know tax breaks can only be given to certified churches. It can’t be applied to individuals.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
But I’m practically a corporation. Heck, I’m at least an institution! I got more people following me than, Buddhism, Judaism, and Scientology combined!
Dinke laughs, surprising the Reverend.
PRESIDENT DINKE
Haha, sorry, sorry. Look, you can keep dancing around this bush all you want, you’re still not going to get any berries from it!
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Berries?
OMBER
Uh, Mr. President, what about the other amendments to the bill?
PRESIDENT DINKE
We will not ban Syrians and lesbians from holding public office!
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
They’re a threat to the children!
PRESIDENT DINKE
Come on, you know better than that!
(To Omber)
By the way, fine mustache.
Omber reaches for his mustache insecurely. Hollis, annoyed, points his cigar towards the President.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Now listen, Dinkey...
Mahoud swiftly snatches the cigar as it gets close to Dinke, and extinguishes it on his palm, shaking his head menacingly.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Er...Mr President, I can swing a huge chunk of my people’s votes your way this Fall, but you have to throw me a bone.
Lemonade finished, Dinke smiles like a stoned teenager.
PRESIDENT DINKE
A bone? What kind of bone do you want, Huckleberry Hound? I don’t have any tax bones, and certainly no gay bones. I could maybe find a stem cell bone--
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
--what in the world are you talking about? Are you--
Mahoud steps in between Hollis and the President.
MAHOUD
The President has had a long few days, so please excuse him. I think it would be best if we ended the meeting now.
Hollis leaves in a huff. Omber gives Mahoud a dirty stare before following Hucklebee. Dinke lets out a high pitched laugh before falling asleep.
WHITE HOUSE HALLWAY
Hucklebee marches down the hallway, the entourage in tow.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
He was openly mocking me.
OMBER
He’ll be the one being mocked when he’s taking meetings in Hell.
Hucklebee stops and leans against the wall to catch his breath. Omber looks worried.
OMBER
Are you all right, sir?
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Fine, fine. Frickin’ Jew doctor said my cholesterol is too high, need to lose weight, blah blah. He doesn’t understand that the Lord is with me!
OMBER
The same as Dinke!
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Dinke doesn’t understand what I’m capable of! When he gets a glimpse of the crowds at tonight’s show, he’ll beg to be a Huckle-being.
OMBER
Like me, sir?
Hollis pats Omber on the cheek.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Omber, you are a fine Huckle-being. If you can just find your true communion with the Lord...and learn to stop being such a brown noser, you may one day be a Huckle-person.
OMBER
That will be my true heaven.
Hollis puts up his finger, about to say something.
OMBER
Brown nosing. Right.
INT. STAN LUTHER’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Stan sits at a table with 2 playing cards in his hand.
STAN
A pepperoni pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in an oven!
Around the table, Dan, gawky JOEL MCDUB, and hairy DAVID HEISER, all break out laughing. Joel pours shots of whiskey. The four men toast.
DAN
You are a horrible human being.
DAVID
I’ve stabbed someone, and I’m offended.
JOEL
You are the true Antichrist.
STAN
Haha, naaaa. Oh, by the way--
Stan puts down his cards, revealing two Kings.
JOEL
You bastard!
POV: Stan has two Aces poking out of his pocket.
Stan collects the chips and finishes his drink. Dan stands.
DAN
I’m getting a Bud. You gents want anything?
STAN
Yeah Dan, I’ll take a--
Dan turns on a record player, blasting Motley Crue’s “Shout at the Devil” over Stan’s request, giving Stan the bird.
JOEL
We need a whiskey-off!
STAN
Yes!
DAVID
No! Don’t you remember what happened last time?
Stan shakes his head.
JOEL
You stole your dad’s car and ran over Michael Orcheckle?
STAN
Ah damn, I sent that cranky old bastard to the emergency room, didn’t I?
Stan laughs. Dan brings back three beers to the table.
DAN
How the heck did you survive that one?
STAN
Dad was ready to knock my head off.
JOEL
So what happened?
STAN
Laura. She got down on her knees, and prayed to Jesus that I would be watched over and protected. Right in front of my dad.
DAN
He didn’t hit you?
STAN
Oh, he called me a fuck-up about a million times, but Sis saved me again. Mention Jesus, and Dad would go limp as a kitten.
DAVID
Damn, your dad smacked me once just for saying “hell”.
JOEL
The man had a great left hook.
DAN
I’m sure he’s brawling with the angels right now.
STAN
(uncomfortably)
Yeah...
(fidgeting)
...Okay, who wants to hear another Stan special? How do you make a dead baby float?
HONK HONK
Stan looks at his watch.
STAN
Fuck, it’s nine already?
I promised Laura I’d--
DAVID
You’re seeing Hucklebee tonight?
Stan grimaces. His friends laugh.
DAN
Oh, we are so watching this on TV.
STAN
Don’t wait up for me.
Stan leaves.
DAN
How do you make a dead baby float?
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