EXT. ALABAMA UNIVERSITY - DUSK
Stan and Serena walk through the campus.
INT. ALABAMA UNIVERSITY - LECTURE HALL - DUSK
Professor George Zallynack, wearing a flashy silk robe-like jacket over his white shirt purple pants, and thin gloves, speaks to his class with a Bible in hand.
Stan and Serena walk in, the class in session. They sit in the back.
ZALLYNACK
(re: Bible)
This, this has been holding back the progress of our species for two thousand years!
Zallynack tears out pages of the Bible.
ZALLYNACK
Raining frogs? Nope. Oceans parting? Don’t think so. Big holy being none of us can see? So believable. No sex before marriage? Are you crazy?
The class laughs.
STAN
Hahaha, seriously!
ZALLYNACK
Christians would argue religion has given us our morals and values. I say if you need a book to tell you murder is bad, you shouldn’t be in college.
Zallynack looks at his watch.
ZALLYNACK
I’ll also tell you to read chapters four through fifteen, or else don’t bother showing up next week.
The students leave. Stan and Serena approach Zallynack.
ZALLYNACK
Mr. Stan Bee Luther!
STAN
You’ve heard of me?
ZALLYNACK
Oh, the world has heard of you. And thanks to that bloated bag of bullshit Hucklebee, you’re the latest in a line of illegitimate targets the religious right have decided to create to give their negligible lives meaning.
SERENA
So you know he’s not going to bring about the Apocalypse?
ZALLYNACK
Him? No offense, Mr. Luther, but I don’t think you could end the world if someone gave you access to Russia’s nuclear arsenal.
STAN
None taken. I’d probably blow myself up.
SERENA
That’s great, cause Stan here could really use some help getting his name cleared.
ZALLYNACK
I see. Well you certainly came to the right person. There are about thirteen thousand reasons why you can’t be the Antichrist. Come with me back to my home and we’ll talk.
SERENA
(to Stan)
You can handle things from here.
STAN
Are you sure?
Serena takes out a small piece of paper and a pen. She writes down a number and hands him the note.
SERENA
If something interesting comes up. It’s been fun.
Serena leaves the classroom.
ZALLYNACK
You’re not sick in any way, are you?
STAN
Like, sick-minded?
EXT. ZALLYNACK’S HOME - NIGHT
Zallynack unlocks his door.
ZALLYNACK
Evolution has created many wondrous things, but it also created the virus. Constantly adapting, spreading, becoming nearly unstoppable.
INT. ZALLYNACK’S HOME - NIGHT
Zallynack’s home: luxurious and tacky. Red velvet sofas, classical paintings, all covered in thin plastic.
Zallynack removes his gloves, placing them in a velvet box.
ZALLYNACK
I have concerted my efforts to keep this a germ and virus-free zone. Excuse me.
Zallynack takes a disinfectant spray and sprays Stan. It gets in his eyes.
STAN
Aww...crap!
ZALLYNACK
You won’t believe how many germs surround the ocular cavities. You’ll thank me later.
Zallynack leads Stan to a sofa and rings a bell. Nathan, a thin, pale butler, enters the room.
ZALLYNACK
Nathan, an espresso. Mr. Luther?
STAN
That’s okay, I just want to know what you can do to get all these nutzoids off my case.
ZALLYNACK
Come. I have something to show you.
Zallynack stands and leads Stan out of the room.
ZALLYNACK
I could talk to the media or write an article for the paper telling the world why there’s no way you are the Antichrist, but it would be such a waste.
Nathan brings Zallynack his espresso.
STAN
A waste?
ZALLYNACK
Mr. Luther, you must understand, these fanatics have been bringing misery to this country for ages, and no one has been able to take a stand against them! They’ve bullied and taunted those who don’t share their views. They’ve set science back hundreds of years with their insistence on fairy tales like creationism. If they could stop worrying about saving frozen embryos for five fricking seconds--
Zallynack lashes out at the air in frustration.
STAN
Right. How does that apply to me?
ZALLYNACK
You! You are something they fear!
They arrive at a book case. Pulling a copy of Origin of the Species, the book case slides away, revealing a staircase.
SECRET BASEMENT HEADQUARTERS
They enter an enormous, dank room. There are thirty people going about tasks: rolling barrels, looking at documents, stacking crates, and testing liquids.
ZALLYNACK
Welcome to the headquarters of Darwin’s Disciples!
A young man, ALBERT, brings a box to Zallynack.
ALBERT
General Zallynack, we have received the first shipment from the bottling plant.
STAN
General Zallynack?
Zallynack grabs a crow bar and opens the box.
ZALLYNACK
We are at war, Mr. Luther, with an oppressive enemy who are currently in the majority.
Zallynack pulls out a bottle of wine labeled Formerly Water.
ZALLYNACK
But that will soon change!
Albert opens the bottle and pours wine into a glass. He hands it to Stan. Other members of the Disciples slowly surround them.
ZALLYNACK
Made from the finest grapes the South can produce...
(Stan prepares to drink)
...and blended with a chemical formula which will immediately sterilize the drinker, whether male or female, Formerly Water brand Sacramental Wine will leave a nation of evangelical fools limp as lepers!
Stan fearfully tosses the glass over his shoulder. Zallynack laughs maniacally. His followers join in.
ZALLYNACK
We’re also working on a brand of Maneshewitz.
STAN
Good for you. Diversification is great for the market. Good luck.
Zallynack puts his arm around Stan’s shoulder before he can escape. A pretty, geeky Disciple, LILLY, bounces with excitement.
ZALLYNACK
Mr. Luther, this is why it would be a waste to clear your name just yet! If we could show you publicly denouncing our wine, simple reverse psychology would take effect.
LILLY
Every church in the nation would want the wine hated by the Antichrist!
ZALLYNACK
Yes! Lilly, give Mr. Luther a bottle.
Lilly hands Stan a bottle. Noticing dust on Stan’s shoulder, Zallynack removes his arm and wipes it off.
ZALLYNACK
Ugh...so many bacteria in dust.
ALBERT
We could film a viral video tonight!
STAN
I actually should be going.
ZALLYNACK
(to the Disciple)
Yes, but it should look like a hidden camera. I want a cinema verite feel.
STAN
Oh, oh God, I’m gonna sneeze. Think I have a cold coming on.
ZALLYNACK
(pushing Stan upstairs)
Out! Get out, before you infect us all!
(calming)
We’ll be in touch!
(to the Disciples)
Okay, we must bleach the room.
EXT. ZALLYNACK’S HOME - NIGHT
Stan runs out of the house, terribly distraught.
INT. LAURA LUTHER’S HOUSE - BEDROOM
Laura kneels by her bed, pajamas on, silently praying.
KNOCK KNOCK
Laura continues her prayers.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
Laura looks at the clock: 11:20pm.
DOWNSTAIRS
LAURA
Whose there?
A faint whimpering comes from behind the door.
LAURA
Hello? It’s late.
The whimpering becomes loud crying. Laura opens the door. Stan is curled up on her door step, crying and clutching the wine bottle like a teddy bear.
LATER - LIVING ROOM
Stan sits on the couch. Laura hands him a “World’s Best Sister” mug of cocoa.
STAN
Ah, I remember when I got you this.
LAURA
Yes. My last five birthdays.
(sitting across from Stan)
Stan, I don’t know what you want me to do.
STAN
Help me! Tell me what I should do or say to make this stop.
LAURA
Have you ever taken a second to think that this happening to you for a reason? Maybe all these years of inappropriate behavior and aimless living have earned you this.
STAN
Sis, you can’t really believe I’m the big bad guy Hucklebee said I was. I mean, you’ve know me my whole life.
LAURA
Exactly, I’ve know you your whole life. It doesn’t help your case, and if there’s any truth to what Hucklebee said--
Stan deflates. He slurps his cocoa.
STAN
--Damn it, that’s hot! Sorry. Wait, no, I’m not sorry. Come on, Laura, I’m your family! Are you really going to side with that knucklehead Hucklebee over your loving brother?
Laura picks up a pillow and beats Stan with it.
LAURA
I have always been by your side! When you wrecked my car, when you used my savings to buy a hooker...
STAN
She was an escort!
LAURA
...even when you just stood there while Dad was having a heart attack! I was there to help you, and despite all that’s happened, part of me still thinks I should.
Laura drops the pillow. Stan lowers his guard, solemn.
STAN
Then...why don’t you?
LAURA
Cause I need to know there’s a good person in you.
(beat)
Seek God’s help. Then you can have mine.
No comments:
Post a Comment