INT. LAURA’S CAR - NIGHT
Laura is excited as Stan slumps in the passenger seat.
LAURA
Ready for a wild night?
STAN
Do they serve beer at these things?
Laura’s smile weakens. She drives.
INT. BRYANT DENNY STADIUM - LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT
The locker room has been transformed into a luxurious changing room for Hucklebee, who stares into a bowl of M&Ms. Omber works at his side.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Omber, I told you I only wanted red, yellow, and white M&Ms.
OMBER
I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll have someone pick out these other colors immediately, although you should know there are no white M&Ms.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
What? Why not?
OMBER
I can only think...it’s because the Mars corporation hates God, sir.
Hucklebee pours mouth wash down his throat, gargles and spits the mouth wash into the M&M bowl.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Remind me to declare M&Ms a sinful candy after the first intermission.
Omber writes this note down. Hollis goes to the...
RESEARCH CENTER
A team of researchers sit at computers, gathering information on the audience members based on scanned driver’s licenses. ABE FORREST, 40, sits in front of the largest monitor watching video images of inside and outside the stadium.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
What are the numbers, Abe?
ABE
Fifty-thousand and counting.
OMBER
Amazing!
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Fifty’s nothing! If we don’t get eighty, then we might as well just take a crap on Jesus’ tomb!
OMBER
I’m sure we’ll hit ninety.
Hollis sweats profusely.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Any red flags tonight?
ABE
A few registered Democrats, a couple members of the ACLU...oooh, there’s--
EXT. STADIUM - NIGHT
CLOSE ON: Stan’s driver’s license scanned by a SECURITY GUARD. Stan has a Jesus-like beard in the photo. The Guard does a double take to make sure it’s Stan.
STAN
Do you really think someone is desperate enough to sneak in here?
SECURITY GUARD
We’ve had to expel trouble makers in the past. Have to make sure they don’t come
back.
LAURA
Oh, that’s a great! Don’t want any rude people interrupting the show.
STAN
And we don’t want the Reverend to have to actually ask Jesus for our personal information!
Stan and Laura enter the STADIUM.
LAURA
What are you talking about?
STAN
Sis, don’t be a dimwit. They use our licenses, get our personal info, and then...
(impersonating Hucklebee)
“Jesus is telling me someone is having money problems!””Jesus knows someone has back aches.””Jesus knows you got a tiny penis!”
LAURA
Cynicism is the devil scraping at your hope.
STAN
And preachers are just con men scraping at your wallet.
LAURA
Finding a communion with the Lord helps people discover stability and maturity in their lives.
STAN
Sis, are you implying I could use stability and maturity? Will talking to imaginary friends and making wishes to a magical being in the sky truly bring that to me?
Laura turns away from Stan, frustrated. She admires a picture perfect couple kissing each other’s engagement rings, while avoiding skin contact.
STAN
Those shmucks are going to last ten minutes once they’re married.
In the stadium: A large stage is erected on one side with a large white screen backdrop. Stan and Laura walk up bleachers to their seats.
LAURA
Why would you say that?
STAN
Cause they haven’t fucked!
LAURA
Don’t swear in a...stadium of God!
STAN
They’re going to get naked on their wedding night, and have no clue what they’re doing! He’s going to be lousy, she’s going to go o-less, and they’ll be miserable--
LAURA
Stan!
Laura motions to the bleachers below them. The picture perfect couple are staring at Stan.
STAN
(to the couple)
Trust me! All the love and Jesus in the world isn’t going to help if he can’t find your g-spot.
The couple turn around, disturbed. Laura prays silently.
STAN
What are you praying for now?
LAURA
Nothing.
STAN
Good, cause that’s what’s going to come from it.
The lights go out. Spotlights shine down on the stage. Cameras get ready to film the show.
INT. BRYANT DENNY STADIUM - LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT
Hucklebee is tired. He leans against a wall for support. Omber massages his shoulders.
OMBER
Got the pre-show jitters again, sir?
(to staff)
Get the reverend some water, or you’ll be on the streets!
An AID brings water. Hucklebee drinks, drops the cup, and pushes Omber’s hands away.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Time to show these folks the power of the Lord!
OMBER
Go get ‘em!
Hollis hustles through the hallway.
INSIDE STADIUM
Sparks blast off the stage. Shining images of Jesus and crosses are projected on the screen. The crowd cheers. Hollis appears, arms in the air.
Laura hollers. Stan, in response, lifts up his shirt, revealing his man cleavage. He screams like an excited girl. Laura is not amused.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Are you ready to show me how much you love the Lord?
The crowd screams.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Are you ready to show the world how much you love the Lord?
The crowd screams louder.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
(pointing to cameras)
That’s good, cause the world is watching! Everyone from the President of the United States to the king of Norway is gonna hear you tonight!
INT. WHITE HOUSE - DINKE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Dinke watches the revival on TV.
DINKE
Aaand, that’s enough.
He changes the channel.
INT. BRYANT DENNY STADIUM - NIGHT
Hucklebee stands at the front of the stage.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Y’know, I was talking with Jesus backstage--
STAN
I am Jesus!
The cameras turn to catch this. Hollis spots Stan in the audience. He glares angrily.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Jesus is worried...
STAN
No I’m not!
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
...He keeps hearing more and more about these atheists that are popping up everywhere!
The crowd boos.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Yep! Liberal, pragmatist, communist, Zionist, environmentalist, atheists! And he’s kind of confused...
STAN
Sexually?
Laura nudges Stan.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
...since they’re all marrying members of their own gender, how they gonna procreate?
Hollis acts confused. The crowd laughs.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Worries me, how about...
Hollis stops. He breathes heavily, and wipes away sweat.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
...how about you?
CHEERS
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
But, there are bigger dangers to worry about!
(Hollis leans on a table)
There’s a greater danger than Nancy’s and she-males and abortionists!
(beat)
There’s an evil more depraved than Bill Maher. More corruptive than Harry Potter! More deceitful than the Pope!
Hollis coughs.
STAN
Sounds like someone’s choking on their own bullshit!
ANGRY CROWD MEMBER
Keep it down, heathen!
Stan pokes and tickles the crowd member.
STAN
You keep it down. You keep it down. Huh, why don’t you keep it down?
Laura pulls on Stan’s shirt. Hollis smiles.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
There are sinners in the audience tonight. Some tree-huggers, some Michael Moore fans...
(looking at Stan)
...why, even some people with criminal records.
STAN
(hands in the air)
Whooo!
Hollis shakes his head, done with Stan.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
These people are all just pawns of the greatest evil!
The lights grow dimmer. A spotlight shines on Hucklebee.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
He does not want to be revealed.
The true king of Darkness, who walks among us all.
(beat)
The bringer of the Apocalypse. The true Antichrist!
STAN
Oh stop the suspense!
Hucklebee grinds his teeth, staring daggers at Stan.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
The being that will end our world...
Hucklebee twitches. His body jerks and spasms.
STAN
Uh oh, looks like he doesn’t want you to say it!
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
...S-s-s-tAN. S-sta S-ehtan...
Hollis fights to control his body. He leans over his podium.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Bee--Beez-el, beeeee...
Hollis’ body is out of control. The audience murmurs.
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
Lu--Lusfer. Lu-cther. Luuu--fer.
Hollis collapses. The audience cries in despair. Even Stan is curious. The lights turn on. Omber rushes to the stage and kneels next to Hucklebee, who still attempts to speak. Omber puts his ear next to Hucklebee’s mouth.
OMBER
What is it, sir? Tell me your secrets!
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
S-st-an...Beeee...Lu-fer--
OMBER
Is that who did this? He’s the one that’s struck you down?
HOLLIS HUCKLEBEE
S-taaan.
Omber grabs a microphone.
OMBER
Stan Bee Luther is his name! Stan Bee Luther is the monster who has struck down the reverend! He is the Antichrist!
Laura looks frightened. Stan smirks, mildly worried.
LOCKER ROOM
The researchers are typing away. Abe discovers something.
ABE
Look here! Look here!
The other researchers huddle around.
RESEARCHER
Put it up there!
STADIUM
Medics check on Hucklebee. Omber stands at the podium.
OMBER
Stan Bee Luther is the end of the world!!!
Stan’s driver’s license is projected on the screen. The cameras focus in. The crowds gasps. Stan’s eyes go wide.
STAN
Uhh...no?
The picture perfect couple looks at him.
PERFECT MAN
It’s him! You used your evil powers on the reverend!
The cameras move from Hucklebee to Stan, getting a close up.
INT. STAN LUTHER’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dan, Joel, and Dave drunkenly watch the revival on TV, frozen in their place. Joel stands and vomits in the shark tank.
INT. GOTH BAR - CONTINUOUS
Serena, Beezy, Jark, and other Goths look at the image of Stan on TV. All EXCEPT Serena are ecstatic and cheering.
JARK
Our unholy savior has come!
INT. WHITE HOUSE - DINKE’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dinke is asleep in his bed, a half-filled glass of lemonade in his hand. The TV remains on.
INT. BRYANT DENNY STADIUM - CONTINUOUS
Laura looks at Stan, in shock, confused, and upset.
PERFECT MAN
(to the crowd)
It’s the Antichrist!
His fiancee screams in terror.
STAN
Shut up! Your...face is an Antichrist!
(to Laura)
We’re going!
Stan grabs Laura’s arm and sprints out of the bleachers, pushing away zealots trying to stop them. Two security guards step in between them and the exit. Stan gets in front of Laura, as the guards reach for their holsters. They hold up crosses to Stan as if he were a vampire.
SECURITY GUARD
Stop in the name of the Lord!
Stan and Laura rush right between them. The Guards look shocked. One gets out his walkie talkie.
SECURITY GUARD
He’s immune to crosses! I repeat, he’s immune to crosses!
EXT. BRYANT DENNY STADIUM - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Stan and Laura jump in the car. They burn rubber.
INSIDE CAR
STAN
Man, what a bunch of crazies, huh?
(re: Laura’s demeanor)
Hey, relax Sis, we got away. Pretty crazy though, right?
Laura nervously looks at Stan, who drums on the dashboard.
STAN
That will be a fun story for the guys! I trash talked a reverend till he freaked out and fainted!
Stan laughs. Laura rubs the cross on her necklace.
EXT. STAN LUTHER’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Stan exits Laura’s car.
STAN
Laura, chill out. No one will remember this...
(Laura drives away)
...tomorrow.
Stan enters his home.
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