INT. STAN LUTHER’S HOUSE - MORNING
LIVING ROOM
Dan, Joel, and Dave are passed out on the floor.
BEDROOM
CLOSE ON: Stan snoring.
Stan wakes on top of his covers, wearing only skull-print boxers. The world is quiet. Stan observes his messy room. He looks at the room door as it slams open. SIMON, a thin, bedraggled hillbilly stares at Stan with crazy eyes. He holds a pitchfork.
STAN
Uh...
Simon screams and runs at Stan, pitchfork first. Stan rolls to the floor and grabs his shirt as Simon steps on it, pulling it out from under him. Simon falls on his back, throwing the pitchfork into the air. It lands in both of Simon’s thighs. Simon yelps. Stan runs out of the room.
LIVING ROOM
Stan runs screaming out of the house.
OUTSIDE HOUSE
Stan runs screaming. His house is surrounded by an angry mob of revivalists, with Omber at the center. They carry signs: God Hates Stan; Stop Stan Luther; Jesus Loves, Stan Kills.
OMBER
The Beast appears! Burn him!
Stan runs around the mob-created enclosure, screaming. The zealots back away, afraid. Omber jumps out and chases Stan with a bible.
OMBER
Stop and face Jesus’ wrath!
Stan outpaces him, and runs back inside.
INSIDE HOUSE
Stan nearly runs into Simon, who is hopping in pain, the pitchfork still stuck in both of his thighs. Stan grabs the pitchfork, and spins it and Simon towards the door. He pushes Simon out the door, right into Omber. Both men fall back on the ground. Stan locks the door and puts his back against it. Dan and Joel wake up.
DAN
Heeeyyy Stan. How was the show?
JOEL
We drank the last beer. Sorry man.
LATER
Stan peaks out of his window: Hundreds of zealots and news crews surround his house.
STAN
What the hell did I do to deserve this?
DAVID
Run over Michael Orcheckle?
JOEL
Talk smack to Hucklebee last night?
DAN
Let your dad--
STAN
Okay, I get it! I don’t get it though. Why did he say I was the Antichrist?
DAN
Well, he does talk to Jesus.
STAN
He doesn’t talk to Jesus! No one talks to Jesus!
Joel looks out the window. Two cop cars have pulled up.
JOEL
El Policia have arrived.
Stan looks out the window, and sees two officers approaching the house. One stays behind. Stan lets in OFFICER PEYTON and SERGEANT BILLFRO.
STAN
Finally! What took you guys so long?
SERGEANT BILLFRO
Mr. Luther, calm down! We are here to help you.
STAN
Okay okay, how long til you can have those maniacs off of my property?
SERGEANT BILLFRO
Well Mr. Luther, the majority of them are on the sidewalk and street, which is city property.
Stan sees Huckle-Cross necklaces around Billfro and Peyton’s necks and throws his arms up in the air. Officer Peyton looks through papers on a clipboard.
OFFICER PEYTON
And they do have signed permits from the property owner to be on the lawn.
STAN
My sister owns the property!
(dialing phone)
Probably thought it was a petition to save baby seals.
LAURA’S HOUSE - INSIDE
Laura knits, shaking slightly. Her phone rings. She stares at the phone, letting it ring twice more. She reaches out hesitantly to answer, but then takes her hand away. This is hard for her.
STAN’S HOUSE - INSIDE
Stan hangs up, angry.
STAN
Can I at least file assault charges on the guy who busted in here?
Officer Peyton looks outside, where the third officer is gently placing Simon on a paramedic’s gurney.
SERGEANT BILLFRO
Ol’ Simon has a history of mental illness. No judge will prosecute him.
STAN
What can you guys actually do?
SERGEANT BILLFRO
We will make sure that the people outside don’t throw anything at your house.
Stan waits for more.
OFFICER PEYTON
Have a good day, sir.
Billfro and Peyton leave. David turns on the news. Cherry Bims reports from outside Stan’s house.
DAVID
Ha, Stan, your house is famous!
ON THE TV:
CHERRY
As the world saw live last night, the reverend Hollis Hucklebee denounced local shlub Stan Bee Luther as the harbinger of the Apocalypse, before collapsing into a stroke-induced coma.
STAN
See, he’s not dead! I can’t be that bad if--
CHERRY
Doctors say his prognosis is not good.
JOEL
Not your day, man.
CHERRY
Mr. Luther has a long juvenile and criminal record, but not much is known about him personally.
STAN
Aren’t they supposed to erase the juvenile record?
TV cuts to interview with Petunia.
PETUNIA
He rarely leaves his house, barely talks to the other neighbors. I thought he might be a serial killer or child pornographer...but I guess the Antichrist makes sense.
The TV cuts back to Cherry.
CHERRY
Numerous followers of Hucklebee have called for Stan’s arrest, with a few preaching stricter punishments. In response to the large public outcry, President Dinke spoke to the public earlier.
The TV cuts to the White House.
PRESIDENT DINKE
I remind all Americans that crucifixion is not acceptable. I repeat - very illegal!
STAN
What do I do, what do I do, what do I do? Anyone? Help?
DAN
Maybe if you drink holy water in front of everyone?
JOEL
No man, that stuff is disgusting.
Joel drinks whiskey. David looks outside at the news vans.
DAVID
Dude, just go on the news and show everyone you’re a regular guy.
STAN
Trust the news? No, no, they edit and cut things to make up whatever they want.
DAVID
Then tell them it has to be live, so they can’t change anything!
STAN
Okay, fine. Let’s just find someone serious and legitimate.
LATER
CAMERA’S POV: A front door opening, revealing Stan.
STAN
Hey there. Come on in.
END POV
Stan walks into his house, followed by BURT MOODY, 42, expressionless and dour, and his cameraman, LARRY. Burt speaks in a depressing monotone.
BURT
Thank you, Mr. Luther. It is truly a treat for me to do this interview. What message do you want to deliver to our viewers?
Stan takes them into his kitchen.
INTERCUT Camera POV and Normal View.
STAN
Burt, I just want people to see, I’m not like, some animal-sacrificing demon.
As they pass the stove, sparks fly from loose wires and ignite the oven’s gas leak. A huge flame leaps out.
LARRY
Mother Fu--
BURT
Larry, we’re live. Potty mouth closed.
Stan opens the fridge and offers Burt and Larry whip cream.
STAN
That happens occasionally.
Burt and Larry refuse. Stan sprays some in his mouth.
BURT
Why do you think the reverend singled you out during his revival?
LIVING ROOM
STAN
I have no idea. I was giving him some shit, but to say I’m the cause of the Apocalypse?
Stan shakes his head and throws out his hands. He hits the book case that holds his record player. Motley Crue’s “Shout At the Devil” blasts from the record player, skipping on the line “Shout at the Devil”. Stan scrambles to turn it off.
STAN
Heh, gotta love the classics.
Burt and Larry look at the fish tank, which is filled with Joel’s vomit. Slayer is floating upside down.
BURT
You said you didn’t sacrifice animals, didn’t you Mr. Luther?
STAN
Slayer!
(beat)
Can sharks commit suicide? Oh Slayer--
The ceiling fan falls, nearly hitting Burt.
BURT
--Oh my!
Stan, not paying attention, knocks a nail gun off a counter to the floor, shooting nails into the ceiling. The nails make a cross shape. Larry focuses the camera on this.
BURT
You getting this Larry?
LARRY
Yeah.
A drop of blood flows down a nail and lands on the camera lens. Burt and Larry back away. Stan sees this.
STAN
Umm--
BURT
--is that blood?
STAN
Oh, I doubt--
More red drops fall.
BURT
--your ceiling is bleeding.
STAN
Guys, come on, I can explain most of this.
Blood drops hit Stan’s head. Burt turns towards the camera.
BURT
This has been a Channel ten exclusive look into the home of the man who will end existence. Burt Moody signing off.
Burt and Larry run out the door.
STAN
Wait! Come back! We can make waffles!
The chunk of ceiling where the nails struck falls to the floor. The nails went through the plaster and impaled numerous rats. Their blood trickles through the nail holes.
STAN
Ricky!
Stan sits down, head in his hands. In the kitchen, another flame shoots up from the oven.
STAN’S BATHROOM - LATER
Slayer is stuck in the toilet. Stan plunges the dead shark while holding the phone between his ear and shoulder.
STAN
Laura...it’s Stan. Could really use your help with everything. Where are you?
Stan hangs up and returns to plunging.
STAN
I’m sorry Slayer. I wish I could give you a proper burial!
TAP TAP TAP
In his bathroom window, Beezy stares at Stan. Stan stumbles backwards, and holds up the plunger as a weapon. Beezy smiles and motions him to another room.
LAUNDRY ROOM
Stan enters his laundry room, where there’s a door to his backyard. Hesitating for a moment, Stan opens the door.
Beezy, Jark and a third Goth, FINGO, are kneeling and bowing their heads to Stan. Stan sees Serena standing behind them, less enthralled. Stan looks at her: is this for real?
SERENA
They’re big fans.
BEEZY
Oh demonic master, we, your faithful servants, kneel before you, unworthy.
STAN
(suppressing laugh)
Ah...Ah finally, you have arrived. I have many tasks for you, my minions, as we prepare for the end of days!
(points at Fingo)
You, boy, shall fetch me...twenty voodoo dolls, the Poison back catalogue, and five live chipmunks!
(points at Jark)
You, nave, shall get me ten gallons of vegetable oil, a rare white orchid from the swampland, and a twelve pack of Dos Equis, the preferred brand of the Apocalypse.
Jark salutes Stan. Serena stifles a laugh. Stan lays his plunger down on Beezy’s shoulder.
STAN
And you, my dark knight, you must secretly siphon the gas from all the protestors’ cars!
BEEZY
Thy will be done!
They stand and jump over the backyard fence. Serena remains.
STAN
What about you? Have you not come to worship my unholy greatness?
SERENA
I just dress like this to piss off my Huckle-being parents.
STAN
So, not a believer in pentagrams, demons or Antichrists?
Serena shakes her head. Stan nods, approving.
STAN
Are you a believer in afternoon drinks with salsa thieves?
SERENA
Have any real Bloody Marys?
KITCHEN
Stan makes two whiskey & Cokes. Serena peaks outside.
SERENA
(sympathetically)
I bet you’ve had a fun morning, Mr. End of the World.
STAN
Please, Mr. End of the World was my father’s name. So why’d you come here if you don’t think I’m--
SERENA
--I have empathy for those ostracized by society.
STAN
You were bored, weren’t you?
SERENA
Seemed like there would be some excitement here.
STAN
Oh, nothing more exciting than waking up to a psychotic hillbilly trying to skewer you like a pig.
SERENA
And convincing Burt Moody you were the master of evil on live television.
Serena quickly finishes her drink. Stan finishes half.
STAN
Screwed that one up big time.
SERENA
I found it hilarious.
(re: protestors)
You should try and scare those shit-heads too.
STAN
I would, but they tried to kill me. Their signs say God hates me. I, Stan Luther, have specifically summoned the hatred of their all mighty--
SERENA
--Okay okay, I get it. You’re fucked for the moment.
STAN
I need someone to make this all go away!
Serena inspects Stan’s waffle makers. The tag line on the boxes: EXPERTLY DESIGNED BY BELGIUM CHEFS
SERENA
You should find an expert.
STAN
To what? Make them waffles so they don’t starve while condemning me to Hell?
SERENA
No, some expert on religion who will prove you’re not the Antichrist.
STAN
Do those exist?
Serena goes into Stan’s fridge and pulls out the whip cream. She sprays some into her mouth.
SERENA
Sure. What about George Zallynack? He’s on the news all the time, bashing people like Hucklebee. Guy’s gotta a million degrees and science awards.
Serena sprays whip cream in Stan’s mouth.
SERENA
He’d probably love a chance to prove those fanatics wrong.
Stan chokes on the whip cream. Serena pats his back.
STAN
Where do we find him?
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