EXT. CHURCH - NIGHT
Stan faces the church, spiteful and afraid. He still holds the wine bottle. Each step towards the church is a struggle of will. He curses under his breath.
INSIDE
Stan forces each step. He dabs his hand in the holy water. He steps into a pew and sits.
STAN
Yo, what’s going on...God. Your favorite fuck--er, screw-up here. Bet you’ve really missed me, though you’re obviously still having some jokes at my expense.
From an office, FATHER BERMAN exits, giggling playfully with a pretty soccer mom. They poke and grab each other flirtatiously. Berman stops when he sees Stan. Silently motioning the woman to leave, Berman observes him.
STAN
You know I’m not a big fan of you. I doubt you’re even there. Maybe you’re just jackin’ it to pictures of Aphrodite in Heaven’s bathroom, I don’t know, but if you could come out for a minute and give me a hand, I could use one.
(beat)
I’m in way over my head. I don’t really know what you can do, but my sister usually has good ideas for things like this, and she won’t help me unless you do. Sooo...do something. Please! I’ll buy you a forty, when I...eventually get up there.
Stan waits. Nothing.
STAN
Fine, is that how it’s going to be? You selfish bastard. I come here, begging you, and you’re just sitting up on your high horse laughing at me.
(standing, with Bible)
Fuck you! Fuck you and your book! And if my dad’s there laughing with you, you can tell him to go to Hell. I’m going to kick him in the balls when I see him!
Stan prepares to throw the bible. Berman runs over.
FATHER BERMAN
Whoa whoa there son, calm down.
Berman puts his hands on Stan’s heaving shoulders. Stan looks furiously up towards the Heavens.
STAN
That jerk.
FATHER BERMAN
Let’s have a talk in my office.
(re: wine)
And maybe a drink.
Sneaking out behind the front door is Berman’s mistress, recording everything on her phone camera.
BERMAN’S OFFICE
Stan sits on a sofa. Berman finds a corkscrew in his desk.
FATHER BERMAN
It’s not everyday I get the Antichrist in my church.
Stan freezes. Berman laughs.
FATHER BERMAN
Don’t worry, I’m just messing with you. You don’t survive as a priest for thirty seven years by buying into every holy crisis.
Berman subtly puts away a pill bottle while finding two glasses. Stan relaxes into the sofa, very relieved.
STAN
You have no idea how nice it is to hear that from a religious guy! I’ve been searching high and low for someone who could just get all these crazies off my back!
Berman chuckles as he opens the bottle of wine. He stares at the wine with an alcoholic’s thirst.
FATHER BERMAN
The Bible teaches many great things, but common sense isn’t one of them.
Berman pours the wine. A large glass for himself. A small bit for Stan.
FATHER BERMAN
Too many Christians have lost touch with the real world. Forgot how to have fun!
STAN
(taking glass)
Yes, yes! I mean, why can’t you believe in God, and still raise a little Hell now and then?
FATHER BERMAN
Amen, brother. Don’t you worry, I have a lot of friends in the religious community. In a little time, I can get things sorted out for you.
STAN
Thank you! Thank you! You don’t know--
Berman drinks the wine. Stan looks at the bottle and puts down his glass quickly. He motions to stop Berman.
STAN
Oh, stop, geez, ah man.
FATHER BERMAN
Hm? What’s the problem?
STAN
You’re a priest, right? You weren’t planning on having kids--
Father Berman begins choking and clutching his heart. Within seconds, he keels over, dead. Stan stares, paralyzed.
EXT. CHURCH - NIGHT
Sergeant Billfro and Officer Peyton take Stan away in handcuffs. A third officer carries out the wine and glasses in plastic bags. Paramedics roll away Berman’s corpse. Cherry Bims is on the scene, covering the whole event.
STAN
It’s not my fault! I swear I got the wine from a college professor!
SERGEANT BILLFRO
Like you could even get into college!
CHERRY
And in the continuing story of the man who might be the end of the world, much-loved Father Berry Berman died tonight after sharing a glass of wine with the Antichrist.
STAN
I’m not the Antichrist!
Stan is pushed into the back of a squad car.
INT. DARWIN’S DISCIPLES HEADQUARTERS
Zallynack, Lilly, and three other Disciples watch the report. Everyone but Zallynack is shocked by the information.
LILLY
It...wasn’t supposed to kill people, sir.
ALBERT
I can get all of the boxes off the market before morning--
ZALLYNACK
--No! Continue the operations.
The Disciples return to work. Zallynack grins.
EXT. STAN LUTHER’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Omber watches the report on a portable TV. His Followers surround him.
OMBER
Call an emergency meeting of the Huckle-Being Cabal!
Omber jumps into a limousine. The DRIVER starts the limo, but it putters. The Driver stares at his gas meter.
DRIVER
We’re out of gas?!
Omber bristles his mustache, alarmed. In the background, Beezy runs across the street, laughing victoriously.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT
Omber stands in a small conference room with seven video screens surrounding him. On each screen is Cardinal of the Hucklebee Church; MILDON (English), CHARO (Mexican), RAJ (Indian), PAULO (French), TAKASHI (Japanese), ANTOINE (African), and VALSTAD (Russian)
OMBER
Gentlemen of God, and the Hucklebee Worldwide Covenant, I bring you news on our current crisis.
MILDON
Before the news, how is our holy Reverend doing?
OMBER
I am afraid he is still in a coma. I, like you, miss his presence terribly, but take upon myself the burden of fighting the fight he would have lead himself - the hunt for the Antichrist!
The leaders look at each other (from screen to screen) nervously.
TAKASHI
Uh...Omber, about that. Do you truly believe this man is the Antichrist? We have seen the reports and footage of the man, and...
VALSTAD
...while he is certainly a vile heathen, he does not have the gravitas of an Antichrist.
ANTOINE
Yes. He seems to be more of a lesser demon.
OMBER
He was named by the Reverend himself! By our Reverend! Is that not enough for you? Is putting the Reverend in a coma and killing a priest not enough for you?!?
MILDON
We mean no disrespect to our fallen savior, but...
PAULO
...his health had been in question before his collapse.
RAJ
Both mental and physical.
OMBER
Fine! If you need more proof.
Angry, Omber digs into a briefcase and pulls out a pile of photos which he holds up to the screens. The group exams a picture of Stan in his bathroom, the sign “The Temple” visible, followed by a blow-up of Stan’s drivers license.
OMBER
Paul wrote the Man of Sin would be “sitting in the temple”. He will be an adversary of Christ while resembling him deceptively.
Omber turns on a video screen behind him. Stan’s blow-up at the church filmed on the camera phone plays, followed by Stan saying he is Jesus at the revival.
OMBER
Barclay has said the Antichrist will incarnate itself in those who are blatant opponents of God! Yet, he that sits in the temple of God shall also affirm that he is God!
CHARO
Ay dios mio!
OMBER
The signs are all there gentlemen. You must send me all your followers. All your holy warriors! We must stop this creature of pure evil before he destroys our entire world!
The leaders all look at each other again, nodding.
MILDON
You are making an extremely risky proposition, Omber. You best be right that this would be Hucklebee’s wish. Crusade!
PAULO
Crusade!
RAJ
Crusade!
The other leaders chant “crusade” over and over again. Omber smiles devilishly.
INT. JAIL - NIGHT
Stan sits in a dirty jail cell, staring at his reflection in a one-way mirror. Three days worth of beard has grown. An old DRUNK sits next to him.
DRUNK
Antichrist! What up bro?
Stan somberly high-fives the Drunk.
OFFICE
On the other side of the mirror, Billfro and Peyton watch Stan. Billfro drinks coffee.
OFFICER PEYTON
According to the labs, the chemical in the wine should just have sterilized the drinker. Problem was Berman had Viagra in his system. The combo fried his heart.
SERGEANT BILLFRO
Can’t we hold him on that?
OFFICER PEYTON
Corkscrew and wrapper at the scene leads forensics to believe the wine wasn’t tampered with, and Antichrist in there doesn’t own a vineyard. Can’t seem to trace who made this stuff.
SERGEANT BILLFRO
Think there’s any truth to it being that Atheist Zallynack?
OFFICER PEYTON
We can investigate, but the guy’s got money and lawyers up the wazoo. Either way, we have nothing on Luther.
SERGEANT BILLFRO
Damn it. Fine, get him out of here.
Peyton leaves the office.
JAIL
Peyton enters. Stan stands up.
STAN
Hey, I’ve been in here for three days! Can’t I at least get a--
OFFICER PEYTON
--You’re free...for now.
Stan looks surprised as Peyton opens the cell. Stand leaves.
OFFICER PEYTON
Make your call and get out.
EXT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT
Stan leaves the station. Serena is waiting for him next to a beat up car.
STAN
You’re the only one who picked up.
SERENA
I’m tired, so you’re crashing at my place. I’ll give you a ride home in the morning.
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